Like the inevitable character in a third of Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, I fear I have lost “The Christmas Spirit.” In hopes of finding it, I will be watching a ridiculous number of Christmas movies on TV. Here is my story…
A Christmas to Remember (2016) Hallmark Channel
(Not to be confused with the other memory based xmas movie)
-Mira Sorvino, and literally 60 seconds in, it’s obvious that she does NOT feel great about being in this movie
-This is depressing, and slow, and quiet, and dark. Who wants to watch a Hallmark Christmas movie with any of those descriptors?
-A dummy in lieu of a child sleeping in a bed. Literally, a child-sized doll.
-A main character who is so fucking ridiculous, it only makes sense if she is also drunk most of the time, but they left that part out, because modesty.
-Another amnesia story! And if you think she becomes LESS ridiculous after losing her memory, you’d be wrong.
-A rose made out of bologna. BOLOGNA, folks.
-Fake eyelashes that are so heavy on her eyelids, her eyes are always half closed, but the outside half.
-Christmas lights haphazardly strung on every surface in the house, including on the couch, WHICH THEY THEN SIT ON.
-A jealous ex gf that is so absurdly cruel, she’s on par with a cartoon evil queen.
-“I can’t tell you what I’m asking Santa for, or he won’t bring it… But I will tell you one thing I asked for.” Okay, so you don’t really want it, or what?
This is so bad. The last 15 minutes is maybe the worst Hallmark has ever done. This whole thing is maybe the worst Mira Sorvino has ever done. She might be the worst part of this movie. I fast forwarded through a lot of it.