Like the inevitable character in a third of Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, I fear I have lost “The Christmas Spirit.” In hopes of finding it, I will be watching a ridiculous number of Christmas movies on TV. Here is my story…
A Very Merry Toy Store (2017) Lifetime
-Melissa Joan Hart, Mario Lopez, Brian Dennehy, & Mario Cantone. Plus Aunt Zelda from Sabrina!
-An actor with a terribly ill-fitting suit, greasy hair, and two days’ worth of facial scruff. That’s the budget of this movie? Good to know off the bat.
-A small town with three different toy shops? What is this town’s economy like?
-Aunt Zelda trying to do a Mariah Carey remix version of “Itsy Bitsy Spider.” You know, everyone’s favorite song to experiment with back phrasing & melisma.
-MJH: “I think we have shoplifters. I don’t know what to do!”
Employee: “Here’s a bunch of ideas…”
MJH: “Those are terrible. I’m going to buy a camera.”
Okay, bitch. So it seems like maybe you do know what to do.
-Billy Gardell (Mike from Mike & Molly) is supposed to be “the bad guy.” He’s funny, charming, and nice. Am I supposed to prefer a cantankerous MJH & a pompous Slater to him? They’re both terrible people in this movie, & he is likable and obviously a better business person than them.
-That old reliable lazy scene where the main characters sit down & rehash their complicated backstory, rather than doing any work whatsoever to show it.
-Some child actors who must have won a drawing or be related to somebody, because they are maybe the worst I’ve seen.
-MJH to Mario Lopez: “How are your acting skills?”
Um, we all know the answer, and it’s not very good. But if we’re being honest with ourselves, he might be the better of the two.
-An amazingly bad CGI scene of kids racing bobsleds down a mountain. Like wow, it’s bad.
A movie where the main characters want to fight capitalism with more capitalism. I literally do not have the energy to even get into this.