Like the inevitable character in a third of Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, I fear I have lost “The Christmas Spirit.” In hopes of finding it, I will be watching a ridiculous number of Christmas movies on TV. Here is my story…
Four Christmases and a Wedding (2017) Lifetime
-A main character who is Aggressively into Christmas. Like, she might become violent if anyone says a cross word about it. But she’s actually very cute & convincing. Also, she bites her perfectly plump bottom lip A LOT. You’re looking at a watercolor painting, not flexing for a free drink. Take it easy, sweetie.
-A sassy black friend.
-Judge Reinhold! He’s still very charming, but his face looks… sort of like he’s slowly melting into Mickey Rourke.
-A scene where the main character & the love interest watch ANOTHER Lifetime Christmas movie! Do they know that THEY are in a movie? This is too meta.
-The world’s tiniest ice rink, in which no one is actually skating, but just walking while wearing skates.
-An apartment façade that HAS to be doll-sized, but they’re going to pretend like it’s her REAL apartment. Girl, try to walk through that front door. I dare you. I bet it’s two feet too short…. And the scene goes JUST long enough that she STARTS to walk toward the door, but it cuts to another scene before she gets there. It’s a doll-sized conspiracy!
-Oh, great. Another woman, which means she has to be competition for the main character! (You know we’re all catty bitches, right? None of us have any female friends. We’re all lone wolves.) The defining traits for how you KNOW the new woman is terrible: she’s vegan, she wears heels, she’s Swedish, and—WORST OF ALL– she’s good at things WITHOUT being self-deprecating. How DARE she?! Doesn’t she know she has to belittle her own success in order to portray herself as nonthreatening?
-A LOT of humble bragging. For no reason. It’s v gross.
-A sudden flip at about the halfway mark where the characters truly show themselves as the most stupid & shallow people in the world.
-A girl who—over the course of 5 years—stays 10 years old.
This started out really great, but that halfway flip & offensive “other woman” shit really left a bad taste in my mouth. The main characters are a lot like Carrie & Big from SATC, in that they are sort of terrible people, & they date other people, but those other people are too good for them. And also like SATC, despite all of that, I STILL REALLY LIKED IT, FOR SOME REASON. IDK what’s happening, y’all.